The meeting started out well enough.
You laid out a clear agenda. You did your best to be clear. Other people gave their feedback.
Then someone starts talking about something out of left field, and here’s the kicker: they don’t seem to want to give up the microphone. You’re not sure why they’re talking about this, and you can feel yourself losing control of the conversation with every tick of the clock.
What do you do?
Depending on what’s confusing about your conversation, we have a few ideas:
Scenario #1: The Awkward Pause
Problem: A conversation may be moving smoothly with a variable amount of success. Suddenly, that all ends, as all parties in the conversation seem lost in thought, or hesitant to be the first one to speak. You have no idea why.
Solution: It depends on the context.
Is the awkward pause a result of a simple misunderstanding? If so, simply clarifying what you’re thinking can fix it. Is the awkward pause:
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“Tell me more” or “Go on.” Author Leil Lowndes recommends this simple phrase for when you want the awkward pause to stop. Sometimes, people simply get self-conscious if they’ve been talking for too long and need validation that you’re interested.
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Move to the next step. If the awkward pause creates an opportunity to move the conversation forward, don’t be afraid to be the one to speak up. If you’re holding a meeting, you might say politely, “Okay, if no one else has anything to add, I believe we can move on.”
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Let it ride. When you’re negotiating a contract and you’ve already stated your requirements, don’t fill up awkward pauses. If you’ve asked a question or if the ball is in their court, it’s perfectly acceptable to give them a chance to think and respond.
Scenario #2: The Outraged Customer
Problem: As an entrepreneur, you pride yourself on flexibility and customer service. But then one outraged client or customer calls you with a laundry list of problems. Nothing you say or do seems to assuage them.
Solution: There may be none.
Your first instinct in dealing with an outraged customer shouldn’t be to dismiss their claims outright. When treated with respect, most people will listen to reasonable solutions.
But when you’ve exhausted every other opportunity to make things right, sometimes, you have to accept that there’s nothing you can do.
“The customer is always right” is a silly and outdated motto. If you sell cakes and a customer insists that you sell pretzels, they’re not right. If you can prove that you sent that invoice and they dispute that proof, they’re not right.
In The 4-Hour Workweek, Tim Ferriss even goes so far as to recommend separating from that small minority of customers who wreak the most amount of emotional havoc on your work life. And while you don’t have to go that far, you don’t have to bend over backwards to please customers when you’ve already exhausted all other options, either.
Scenario #3: A Conversation Going Nowhere
Problem: You’ve gotten stuck with someone who likes hearing the sound of their own voice.
Solution: Interrupt. Politely.
This situation can arise no matter what the context: business meetings, social events, a phone call from a telemarketer.
As long as you’re giving someone plenty of room to participate in a conversation, you don’t have to feel guilty when you need to get things moving. A sentence as simple as “I’m sorry, but I have to be going,” can be a magical phrase.
Scenario #4: You keep getting interrupted.
Problem: As hard as you try to stay polite and part of the conversation, someone keeps cutting you off.
Solution: Don’t fight fire with fire.
Ever watch cable news? Two talking heads face off on the issues of the day, and as soon as one interrupts the other, the conversation becomes an incomprehensible mess. With both people talking over each other, nothing gets accomplished.
Sure, it’s valuable to assert your point. But before you fight fire with fire, try these first:
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Continue talking. Just because someone else starts talking when you were already talking doesn’t make them the master of the conversation. Continue talking and finish your point. Sometimes, interrupters catch themselves first.
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Finish your point anyway. If you get rudely interrupted and no one seems to have noticed, hold on to your point and finish it at the opportune time. “To continue my point…” will let people know that you’re not going to give up that easily without stepping on anyone’s toes.
Tips and Tricks for Getting Past Confusing and Awkward Conversations
Maybe you’ve had a confusing conversation that isn’t listed in any of the scenarios above. What do you do? Here are a few clarifying principles to bear in mind:
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Voice your concerns. Learn to assert yourself and simply vocalize what you’re thinking. It’s perfectly all right to say, “I’m confused.” And, “I’m sorry, could you repeat that last part? I don’t quite understand what you mean,” is much easier to say than to admit you spent the last half hour completely lost.
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Remember that being assertive means you’re doing your job. Confusing business conversations are often a symptom of a deeper problem: you’re not being assertive enough to cut through the clutter. If you have to, interrupt! Apologize and be polite when you have to, but don’t let a conversation get the best of you.
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Summarize what the other person is saying. The phrase “So let me get this straight” often means that an insult is coming. But a similar summarizing phrase can work wonders to make a conversation less confusing. “So if I understand you, you’re saying that…” can get you back on track.
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Try to be polite and let the other person save face. Taking control of the conversation can increase clarity, but it can also rub people the wrong way. If you have to summarize, interrupt, or clarify, do so with kindness and never accuse the other person of intentionally sabotaging a meeting or a conversation. Assume that most problems are due to a lack of clarity, not due to hostile intent.
Confusing conversations are nothing to be feared. Whether they’re a result of miscommunication, lack of clarity, or simply because someone has an axe to grind, there are ways to steer a conversation a better way.
Have you ever been stuck in a confusing conversation? How did you get out of it?